What I find funny is that when a discussion with women happens it usually involves sex and weight loss. So eventually you begin to talk about men, which is where most conversation happens with women.

As any of you might have guessed, I’m trying to get a search into Google with the term sex with Liza Wallo. I dunno how long this will take but while I’m writing this article I find that I’m thinking about Liza and how our friendship evolved and what we talk about on a daily basis.

Just examining my friendship with my first female friend and I realize .. I really like it. Even as much as my gay male friends.

If you weren’t able to make my wedding I’ve posted my wedding pictures, including a shot of my most gorgeous wedding shoes, which caused quite a stir, on my personal blog.

For those of you that don’t know me, this blog is a miniscule glimpse into my soul, but I have more to come.
Catch up on old posts or follow some of my new ones.

For everyone, I’ve launched some websites where I help things like planning a wedding and finding cheap bridesmaid dresses and of course wedding shoes (my favorite subject *drool* shoes shoes shoes), among other topics. I hope you’ll look them up for some ideas.

I have some great experiences while planning my own wedding, which save money and time.

See ya soon for another weight loss update (17 pounds and counting)

www.almeidacartoons.com/

That’s it I’m done! Done listening to the multitude of skinny women who gained 15 pounds once, lost it 12 seconds later because they ran a flight of stairs and announced they have a diet plan for me! Done with berry trees, powdered shakes, frozen dinners (which cost more than gym memberships). Done with low carbs, high carbs, no carbs, high protein, low protein, no protein, low-fat, low sugar, low calorie , no taste, crappy, expensive, ridiculous diets.

But most of all I’m done listening to advice from skinny women that have no clue what I’m going through!

So to the following women, who meet my definition of skinny:

1. Any woman who started out thin, stayed thin, lives thin and breathes thin. Listen you have no idea what its like to be fat. You don’t understand struggles that fat women deal with. You do not ride on my emotional roller coaster and you can probably buckle that belt anyway. So shut it!

2. Any woman who eats a carrot, forcefully vomits it up, says she ate too much this week and proceeds to starve for 3 days. You know who you are girls, and I while I admire your dedication to be stupid.. I mean thin,.. I’d rather my heart attack came by doughnut, not ketosis! Please shut up.

3. Any woman who has never been more than 20 pounds overweight in her life. You are either genetically gifted, belong in categories 1 or 2, or a combination of 1 and 2. Shut up!

4. Any woman who has never had trouble buckling a belt on a plane, roller coaster. Shut your mouth!

You have no clue what you’re talking about. You may have a degree from 6 universities and maybe even some people have lost weight on your programs.. and maybe even kept it off, its possible, unlikely, but possible, but you still have zero idea about what you’re spewing.

So before you open your carrot-eating, 110 pound, size 4 mouth I want to tell you to SHUT UP.

My twinkie-eating, 200 pound, size 24 ass will take advice from someone that’s been there and done that.

Sex and the City - a model of perfect women relationships

12. A great gynecologist – If you do not have a gynecologist you can trust, ask a friend for a recommendation. I would say ask your mother, but there are some things that I, personally, would mind. Knowing this man/woman has seen my mother’s hoohoo would be one of those things. What if there was a comparison!? Ack!

11. That female friend with whom you can talk about sex openly – I wish I had known Samantha from Sex and the City when I was younger. My life would have been so much easier. Gawd imagine the orgasms I wouldn’t have faked!

10. A male gay friend – Gay or straight men are basically the same, except the gays are cleaner, better dressed, better groomed, funnier.. OK they aren’t the same, but I can’t quite explain the actual value of this friend, though I will try. You rarely have to worry about jealousy. You can go to certain bars without being self-conscious. You get told all the time about how gorgeous you are, by gorgeous men! And you never, ever, ever have to worry about them being interested in your crotch!

9. One brand name designer handbag – I cannot tell you how many times, when feeling low, I have put my wallet into my Coach handbag and been happier, almost instantly. There is something about owning a decadent accessory that makes you swing your hips a little more, makes you step a little lighter, makes you smile, and sigh, and go “mmmmmmmmmmm”. Visit your local consignment shop!

8. One pair of incredible shoes – If you do not own a pair of shoes which, when worn, make your feet feel like they stepped into heaven and your psyche go into multiple orgasms, buy a pair! And not sneakers!!!!!!

7. A no-nonsense gym - This gym is for working out. This gym is for sweating. This gym is for losing weight, gaining weight, working hard, relieving stress. This gym is not for wearing makeup, fancy leotards, leg warmers (*slap*) or scoping men (though if this happens its a good thing!).

6. A great vibrator – Pink Bunny Rabbit Vibrator. Personally I love my bunny. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

5. This Oprah article or episode – The Best Life Week with Dr. Laura Berman – Show Recap . If you can find this episode somewhere to watch, I highly recommend it. I believe it changed my sex life for the better.

4. A pet, if you’re single – Dog, cat, fish, gerbil, hamster, rabbit, mouse, rat, snake, spider, beetle.. I don’t care what you get, but find one. I don’t think that married women need a pet, but I still recommend it. A pet is a part of life which is independent of any other part. It has nothing to do with work, men, family, food or weight. Its just there to love and be loved.

3. Sex and the City – The Complete Series (Collector’s Giftset) – A lot of questions and stereotypes of women are really thrown out the window with this show. This show is the ultimate in feminine feminism. Its about the fact that these are women, who act like women, and act like men. Its frank and honest. Its funny and heartbreaking. I love every second of it!

2. A diary – This is just for yourself. Everything you want to say. Write a page about what you wanted to say to that freaking skank that pushed ahead of you today. Write a page about that guy that didn’t call you back. Write a page about that orgasm you had and how you got it. Most importantly read your pages. Get a better understanding of yourself.

Carrie - Sex and the City - HB)

I purposefully did not put partners into this article. Women do not need a partner. We are strong and capable and self-sufficient.

But wouldn’t say no if you find him or her!